Little By Little

Written on June 1, 2025

I am in mourning.

The truth is that I have been mourning for the past 7-8 years — maybe longer. In those years, I realized how tightly I was holding on to life skills I learned long ago.

  1. I learned to be a people pleaser.

  2. I learned to be hyper-vigilant of everyone’s emotions around me.

  3. I learned to be conflict avoidant.

  4. I learned to never stray outside the rules.

  5. I learned to strive for perfection — because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

Over the past 40+ years, I refined these skills out of necessity.

If it takes 10,000 hours to master something, consider me an expert in the field. One doesn’t learn these “talents” overnight. It took a steady stream to shape this rock across decades — little by little — until I internalized these traits as normal. “Normal” can be such a relative term.

A critical skill I didn’t learn for a long time was balance. When you exclusively practice the list above with enough repetition, you learn how to accommodate everyone but yourself. Abandoning yourself means the teeter totter of life always leans in someone else’s direction.

I mourn because I realize there are many opportunities I sacrificed along the way. I learned how to be an adult before I learned how to be a teenager. I just wasn’t aware that was happening at the time.

Fortunately, all is not lost. Key experiences in recent years have gradually shown me that a new normal is possible. Books, videos, meetings, conversations and lots of personal work have helped me start to unwind my default programming. These efforts have also helped me start to find me again.

Some changes are outward. I grew a beard. I started working out consistently. I lost weight — got a bit lazy — but am working to slim down again. I dropped a pant size. I started buying better clothes. I started drawing a little healthy attention my way — something that I used to avoid like the plague. I was rarely focused on me for many years.

Some changes are inward. I started making more decisions without taking a poll. I started being more vocal with my opinions. I stopped apologizing for my emotions. I started taking up for myself even when it might lead to conflict. I started learning how to say no. I’m still working on how to loosen up and have more fun. I’m still working on being more spontaneous.

None of the changes have been easy. There are days and countless situations where “old Jason” wants to reach into his bag of tricks to survive. It’s what is comfortable and safe.

The key is to let “new Jason” take the lead and remind “old Jason” that he can rest.

It is also important to realize that 40-year old patterns won’t be changed overnight. Those threads were sewn into the fabric of my personality for a long time. It will take patience, compassion and lots of repetitions with “different weights” to build new muscles.

Each new day is an opportunity to build healthier skills.

Little by little.